a womb with a view

We have just entered week 20. Its been a while since my last blog post, and here I am journeying through the ups and downs of pregnancy after miscarriage. It hasn’t been an easy 20 weeks, even though physically this has been a very healthy, problem free pregnancy. The emotional ride of counting down the weeks, waiting for the feeling of impending doom to finally lift, has been the difficult part.

Part of this healing journey has involved us making decisions that before we would have had no problem making, but this time found ourselves cautiously choosing differently. One of the big changes for me was in regards to my feelings and opinion of ultrasounds. With our first we had the “routine” dating ultrasound because there was much uncertainty over conception date, and again the 18 week anatomy scan. Now a few years wiser (?) and more experienced, I figured with the next baby we would only do the 18 week scan, if any at all.

So here we are, heading in tomorrow for our second ultrasound. Why? My heart and soul needed that reassurance of a little life thriving inside me before we could pick up the heartbeat externally. Not just for me, but also my husband and 3 yr old son, who asked me every morning if our baby was still in my tummy and could we please keep this one. We needed reassurance.

So what is the big deal about ultrasounds anyways? As far as interventions go, the risks are mild compared to epidurals or induction. Yet, like those interventions, it has its place. We are birthing in an intervention-heavy society in North America, while our infant and maternal mortality rates are still frightening. But that’s another topic for another day, I could talk forever about the misuse of interventions! How this ties to ultrasounds is when is it safe and a necessary precaution, and when does it cross the line into preference, convenience, and entertainment? Repeat, excessive use of ultrasounds in pregnancy is shown to cause hearing damage to the baby, heats the amniotic fluid and fetal tissue, and in essence is an invasion on baby. There are even studies showing possible links to autism and neurological issues.

So what is excessive? According to the American Medical association, "Unnecessary Exposure" includes the use of ultrasound to:

1. Confirm the sex of the baby.

2. Assess gestational age (how many weeks old the baby is).

3. Assess fetal size and growth.

4. Confirm multiple pregnancy.

5. Determine fetal presentation (the position of the baby in the womb)



Wow! How many times have we ourselves or someone we know had “routine” ultrasounds for just these reasons? If nothing else it should certainly cause us to stop and think about it, as well as do some research of our own. One thing I teach in Nurtured’s childbirth educations classes to couples, is to BRAND every decision and procedure that is presented to them in pregnancy and birth. BRAND stands for Benefits, Risks, Alternative (options), Nothing (do nothing) and Delay (the decision). The problem is, we have been so well trained to not question our prenatal care that procedures such as prenatal testing and ultrasounds pass by as normal, routine, and 100% safe. That’s not the truth. Now we see the new prenatal testing option for gender identification being offered as early as 7 weeks gestation. Raise your hand if you’d like to be the guinea pig for this one…

With the arrival of 3D and 4D ultrasound businesses comes a whole new level of risk and dilemma. Using the BRAND model, if used simply “for fun”, the risks far outweigh the entertainment benefits (I cringe to even say that). Interestingly enough, the medical field is strictly limited, by the manufacturer, in its energy level for this type of ultrasound, as well as the duration of time it takes to perform the scan. (The FDA limit for obstetrical ultrasound is 94 mW/cm².^[7]) The risk of ultrasounds would depend on the duration (length of time for each scan), the intensity (of sound waves) and the frequency ( how often). While I can see the benefit to parents with a baby needing life saving surgery while in utero, or to pinpoint a serious defect, I cannot feel good about paying a non-medical, independent company to scan my baby for up to 30 minutes simply so we can have a peek. I cringe further when I read their “packages and promotions” on websites, offering 20-30% off for your second, third, and repeat visits within your pregnancy.

The bottom line is, less is best when it comes to invading our bodies while growing another life. What we seems blissfully content to think of as wonderful medical advancements are really an abuse of interventions. How can I say all of this and yet admit that tomorrow we will be having our second and final unltrasound? Because for our family, this was our “less”. Will I probably drive the technician crazy by asking them to keep the scan at under 15 minutes of at all possible? Maybe. But its our baby, not a dolphin in there. The frequency is extremely loud, it heats fluid and tissue, and I hope it can be over as wuicjly as possible. Will we find out the gender? If, in that time frame its seen and noted, then yes. If not, that’s fine too. All that matters is, that little heart is still beating. After losing one, we need this extra view into the womb. I’m praying in the future our faith will be restored and we can say no thanks to routine.

Letting Go

To the babies who were dreamed of,

But not conceived

To the babies we carried,

But never held

To the babies we held,

But didn’t bring home

To every baby and child

that touched our lives for a moment,

But held our hearts forever.

            It has taken me a few months to actually write this. As I do, I find I have to reach back into my memory and heart to find the feelings and thoughts of that moment and this journey. I naively never thought I would have to walk through this experience personally, and grieved for anyone I supported professionally as a doula or childbirth educator who went though such a loss. In 6 years as a birth professional, I have encountered  only a few heartbreaking situations of couples losing a baby. Some early into a pregnancy and others at delivery.

            Its hard to say that I knew, but somehow even from as early as 8 weeks into my second pregnancy I had a nagging feeling something was “off”. Of course I dismissed it over and over again, even getting angry with myself for such absurd thoughts. Every pregnancy is different, right? It can be normal to not have any nausea at all, right? You’re supposed to be really tired in the first trimester…And on and on.

By week 9 in my first pregnancy with my son, we were able to find a heartbeat at the midwives, loud and clear. So I expected to be able to hear baby again at 10 weeks this time, even though my wonderful midwife reminded me that it would be completely normal not to hear anything yet. Still, when we found nothing, my heart sank all the way to my uterus I think. It seemed to confirm my worst fear. A week later was my birthday, and while at a lovely family dinner at Blue Mountain I started spotting. Again, could be completely ok, for some its normal. I freaked out. If you know me at all though, you would know that I rarely show panic or distress. But inside I was a mess.

            Another visit to the midwives, reassuring me it could be completely normal, and to wait and watch for further symptoms. Cramping, back ache, excessive bleeding etc. A week later, at 12 weeks, I suddenly came down with strep throat, something I haven’t had since I was young. The pain was excruciating! What I couldn’t explain though was the incredible low back pain I was experiencing as well. I was trying to not take any pain medications in hopes that baby would be ok. Finally when I could hardly walk I decided to take Tylenol. It helped the throat and fever, but didn’t touch the back pain. Laid out on the couch in the living room in pain, I prayed. I simply gave up my control and cried, and prayed that my body would just do whatever it was it needed to do, and I let go. An hour later, the bleeding started.

            I am so grateful to have had my mom and husband and our son there to go through the experience with me. My midwives were delivering babies but still calling me and talking me through the process. My husband cried with me and my adorable little man Zac entertained me with singing and dancing, in between lots of hugs and cuddles.The amazing thing for me was the absolute peace I felt when it was all said and done. We were overwhelmed with disappointment but I felt so relieved that my body had worked as nature intended it to. Too many times I have seen parents walk through the tragedy of carrying a baby to full term, only to find they will not survive outside the womb.

            I hope this isn’t too revealing or personal. I have been shocked in the days since to share my story with close friends who then told me they had been through it, sometimes more than once. This seems to be a “suffer in silence” topic for both women and men who go through it. My husband felt the loss deeply but didn’t quite know what to do with that feeling. I took a more practical outlook and went into Move On mode, but shared my loss with anyone who was interested in listening. After a season of so much loss in our family, I have learned you have to talk. So many times I wanted to blurt it out to the lady at the drive through, or to the teller at the bank, “Someone I love has died! How can you just go on with your life like this? The world needs to stop and be still!”

I lost my dad (my best friend) two years ago, my grandpa this year, my dog, our baby, and then our pet hampster. That may seem trivial in itself, but after having to break the news of his baby going to heaven with papa and great-papa, Zac was in denial that Chewy had died as well. We kept his hampster even after he died, in his cage in the basement, until he was ok to say goodbye. Thankfully it didn’t take too long!

            I’ve found many ways to blame myself for losing our baby. I shouldn’t have carried zac around, I shouldn’t have taken the Tylenol, I shouldn’t have been so busy and stressed with work, I shouldn’t have shovelled 5 feet of snow to get into Nurtured Family centre after a snowstorm… But in the end, this wasn’t a pregnancy that was meant to continue, according to my body. My midwives were incredible after as well. I was still in their care for 6 weeks postpartum, where they took such gentle care of me. They reminded me that it wasn’t my fault, that none of those activities will end a pregnancy. I am blessed in that I didn’t need a d&c afterwards. I am blessed that everything went back to normal by the end of the next month. I know with my next pregnancy, I will have some emotional healing still to walk through. But I’m ready for that journey. We’ve had our season of loss.

            Above all else, I was blessed to be given the hope of trying again. As spring starts to come to life, its time for a season of new life for our family. Lets just say its going to be a busy time in our house over Christmas!! ;-)

A Nurtured Community

I am just putting the final touches on my to-do list for the first annual Nurtured Baby Show & Expo. The list is 6 pages long. I still feel like I am forgetting something. Sigh.
On the other hand, I am so excited to see this coming together after a few years of dreaming it up. If you had told me even a year ago that we would have such an incredible group of (mostly) local businesses and entrepreneurial (?) mamas involved in this event, I would never have believed it possible. If you live in the Dufferin area, Orangeville to be specific, you may have started to notice a big increase in the number of "craft-ty" or small business shows around town. We are a diverse town that is seeing a boom in the small/ home business industry but like any fabulous resource, it can be tapped until exhausted. As a small business myself, I understand the temptation to run from one show to the next in an attempt to promote and bring in business. However, over the years I have learned that its all about quality, not quantity.
Our area is lucky to host some high quality vendor shows, like those put on by the Small Business Place, Bella Noche, and hopefully I can add Nurtured to the list. I have been overwhelmed by the response from vendors from all over the Dufferin area and as far away as London Ont, who offer products and services geared specifically towards expectant and new parents. They are all intent on working together to make this an exciting and successful event, and its beautiful to see businesses come together for a common goal. The $2 entry fee for the Nurtured Baby Show will be donated to the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital, a place that has touched many of our lives, and those in our community.
Each of the high quality businesses involved have such big hearts for our local and area charities, as many of them have been involved in other fundraising shows and events. They give out of their own pockets and their businesses when they donate draw prizes and gift bag items for shows and events. The Nurtured Boutique started as a space for these small businesses to display and sell their handmade products, and I am proud to say we are the only such boutique in any of the surrounding areas, but without these talented women it wouldnt exist.
Its amazing to me that a year ago I didnt know any of these women, mamas, and entrepreneurs. My life and the community is so much richer for having them be a part of it, and I am looking forward to watching them all grow and succeed. This years show has 50 vendors and sevices taking part, with a waiting list of more. Even if you arent in the category of expectant, new, or experienced parents, you need to come out and see what our community has to offer in these remarkable businesses you might not have known about otherwise. And of course support a great cause.
Now, back to my to-do list. I think I need to start page 7.